She walked away
by AConstanceC
Summary: 2x16 one-shot (spoilers obviously). Clarke's thoughts on what she had to do to save her people and when she decided to walk away.


**AN: Still don't own anything but any mistakes you may spot ;)**

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She was a coward, she knew that. He probably thought that too, maybe everyone did, all because she walked away. Walked away from her people; walked away from him.

But what was she suppose to do? What other options were there? See the hurtful glares her friends sent her everyday for the rest of her life? If they even wanted to speak to her again that was, never mind being friends with her. The friends she gave everything to save; no, the friends she sacrificed everything for, her people who she would do it all again for. They didn't understand why she had to do it, they perhaps never would. After spending so much time on Earth she felt as though nothing would hold her down – but she was wrong, this would and it did.

Which is why she chose to run.

She had no where to go but she knew she couldn't stay. Her mother was appalled by the fact she let a missile drop on Tondc, who knows what she thought about all the death she had caused at Mt. Weather. Octavia was still furious (even though she hid it) that she knew what was going to happen to the village and kept it a secret anyway, saved herself and no one else; let people she knew die. She was even mad at herself. _How could I let Octavia be killed when I promised her brother she was fine, that she was safe? What does that make me?_ That was what hurt the most. Not even the look of utter disbelieve and hatred on Jaspers tear stained face as he held Maya in his arms compared to the pain she felt about lying to _him_. And Monty, _oh_ Monty, it wasn't his fault at all; she forced him to do it. She deserved him hating her, for ruining his friendship with Jasper, for making him an accessory to her crime. But for some reason he didn't hate her, not completely anyway, and that confused her. _He of all people should hate me._ After she pulled that lever everything was dull, she was walking around like a ghost. In a way she was, her soul was dead, missing. She didn't deserve to live after all that she had done yet here she was.

During the long trek back to Camp Jaha all she could think about was their faces, their radiation burned bodies. Not only the guilty but also the innocent. The _children_ and the families _._ She hated herself, felt sick that her hands caused that much suffering and death, she could barley believe it was all real. For hours she wished it was a blood stained nightmare; wishing that at any moment she would wake up and find herself back on the Ark in her cell, surrounded by her drawings. But that never came. She never woke up. It was all real. Somewhere along the walk her mind had been made up; she was going to leave. Leave her people and her pain behind and reinvent herself (one of the many reasons she was a coward). She didn't think past that though, planning it made it seem like a very bad idea. Where would she go? Would she survive on her own? What if she came across grounders? After the break in the alliance, it would be best to stay away from them but what if she stumbled into them by accident? All these things would lead her to stay so she ignored all the questions floating around in her head and just kept repeating ' _I'm going to leave, they'll be better without me'_ over and over again. Somehow hoping she would feel better about her decision – she didn't.

Shaking her head she looked forward, seeing the camp just up ahead; people already staring to run towards them, the gate which protected all of them slowly being opened. This was it, she would see them home safe and then leave. To walk to her unknown fate. Stepping inside that camp would make her safe, it was for the people who were good – she wasn't worthy of that though.

In the end, after she hugged Monty goodbye outside Camp Jaha, she didn't want to tell _him_ she was leaving. It was too painful already, why make it worse? But she had to say goodbye, she owed him a goodbye. After _everything_ they had been though he deserved to hear her say it. In his mind he probably thought she would stay, seeing the crushing look on his face almost made her want to stay. Reaching up and kissing him on the cheek was one of two selfish things she allowed herself; the other was hugging him like he could take all the pain away. "May we meet again." was said with her holding back tears and choking back a sob, if she cried now she knew she would stay. Turning and walking away was hard, every step her legs felt as if they would shatter, the pain in her stomach was excruciating but she had to do this.

It took all her strength to not turn around but as she reached the edge of the forest she couldn't fight it any longer. Camp Jaha was busting with life, those who needed it were given medical attention and others were running around enjoying their freedom. Amongst the masses she could see a dirty white shirt, a smile gracing her lips and tears dripping down her face she turned away for the final time.

As she walked further into the forest, her tears dried and determination was written all over her face, one thing kept repeating itself over and over in her mind:

 _We_ _will_ _meet again... because I love you Bellamy Blake._

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 **AN: Please like and/or review :)**


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